2W-Whew!

Finally! Beta Day's tomorrow, thanks be to God I made it!

So many thanks to everyone for all your positivity & kindness through this grueling cycle, you have no idea how much it's meant.

Talk to you tomorrow :-)

Thank You, False Hope

Warning: This is a cussing-ist *ss post. This was the day for it.

When I awoke this 11dp3dt morning I felt sadness... fear about this cycle overtook me. My tears started around the time when I noticed that my abdomen felt different, felt less active. It could've been the HCG booster that I took on Saturday was beginning to wear off because every time I take that shot my ovaries start to act up soon after. My abdomen actually felt a bit normal & that scared the hell out of me.

So what did I do?

Let me tell you what I did: I reached for my very-last leftover Family Dollar HPT & used that m*therf*cker! Of course it came up positive, could still be the residual booster... but I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care. I needed to see those 2 m*therf*cking lines on that cheap *ss test TO-DAY. Like methadone to a heroin addict, it ain't the real thing but it'll do for now. Needed that hope, didn't matter that it was false, to help me get through the day & to renew my confidence.

I felt so much better after doing it, too. Can't even begin to tell you. I smiled & shook my head at my fool *ss, told myself out loud "it's all right, you're all right, keep it moving, girl" & washed my face. And I kept it moving, too, feeling much, much better. That HPT saved me!

I refuse to put myself down for breaking down & testing. Hell, I'm only human. The 2WW is hard enough without me piling it on. Bless that HPT, it was a perfect pacifier; I'll bid it a fond farewell when I take the trash out tonight.

The 2WW is a masochistic enterprise so if I can take a little control of it, that's what I'll do. Single, check. No man on the horizon, check. Fibroids vet, check. Infertility bullsh*t, check. Multiple IVFer, check. Gained at least 10 lbs. in the last 2 months, check. Second 2WW, check. I'm not complaining, just taking an inventory because even as I type this I feel proud of myself for even putting myself through & growing from this sh*t. Just trying to build a family of my own, that's all... & God helps those who help themselves.

To TTC as an SMBC takes two-ton balls of m*therf*cking steel. It takes brave m*therf*ckers to put themselves through these emotions, these pills, these shots, these appointments, these vaginal probes, these retrievals, these transfers, these two long-*ss m*therf*cking weeks. And I commend us! So, sh*t, false hope is better than no hope at all. And that's true all day long... at least until Friday!

Wish I Could Test

9dp3dt! I wish I could take a pregnancy test.  I go in for my beta on Friday, but it would be such a comfort to know ahead of time. I had to take another HCG booster shot yesterday so even if I wanted to test I couldn't (have had a total of 4 HCG booster shots since ET).

During IVF #1 I tested before going to the doctor's office for the official test. When I got the results I felt terrible but it didn't sting as much because I was somewhat prepared. But this cycle isn't affording me the luxury. That's ok -- I'd rather take a booster shot everyday with the hopes that I'm increasing my chances than not, thank you, Lord.

Been feeling PMS-y these last couple days, no side effects (i.e., 'symptoms') to speak of. Booty's starting to feel sore from the PIO shots too. I went out on Friday night & had to pre-fill a syringe & shoot up in a public washroom before rejoining my peoples.

Just have to hang on for 5 more days! Argh!! Funny thing about time, though, is it drags & goes by quickly at the same time.  ET was 9 days ago even though it seems like it was just yesterday. But now I have to wait 5 more days & that feels like an eternity. Work this week will be slower than last week as well so I'm going to have to keep myself busy. Main concern is that around this time during IVF #1 I started to lose hope, my spirit knew it didn't work. Right now I'm not there, which is a good thing. I want to remain hopeful & keep my faith in this until I find out on Friday. To lose hope earlier than that would truly hurt.

I wish somebody would invent a micro-nano-super powerful ultrasound machine that would be able to see implantation! Turn a 2ww into a 1ww... anybody can hold out for just about anything for a week. Having to wait for 2 is like trying to stay above water while having an anchor tied to your leg.

Thank God the sun is out! If this were a grey-er day, I'd be in the bed & would stay there til Friday!

This is Madness

Today was incredibly rough. The stress & worry of whether implantation is starting to occur really got to me today starting from the moment I woke up. 5dp3dt would be about the time when some real action would be happening & I can't help but wonder: Are they perfect blastocysts now? Are they making a home in my lining? Do they have big plans to dig a little deeper tomorrow? I am usually such an optimist & can quickly pull myself out of down moments. It's my nature & I'm thankful for that. But today's got me in such a place I'm sitting here with a damn near 1 lb. party size bag of peanut M&Ms & I'm more than halfway through.

9 more days to go until I go in for my beta. And did I mention that it feels like my period's about to start? Yes, yes, I know that for practically every woman there's a feeling that AF's coming... then surprise! BFP! And it can equally go the other way too. The 2ww is truly f*cks with your mind. I feel awful, then I try to convince myself to buck up, keep moving, think about happy possibilities. I then talk myself out of that, don't want to hope too much & set myself up for failure & a helluva fall. I do this dance in my hormonal brain throughout every minute of the day! And I can't even have a drink!!

No more wet dreams either. Wish I would feel comfortable having one, it'd break up some of this 2ww madness & maybe I could lighten up! I could use a vacation... can't go nowhere til beta day! Would love to do some housework therapy, but I'm not supposed to vacuum! Want to garden, can't lift the potting soil bag! But I'm not complaining :-)

Went in for blood work & vaginal ultrasound on Tuesday (was surprised about the ultrasound but they didn't go up too far). Ovaries looking good. Good news, they've been active non-stop since the retrieval. The left one has more rage. Just gave myself another flawless PIO shot & finished the bottle. Start a new bottle tomorrow. Don't know why I can't remember to wipe the top off with alcohol before inserting the needle.

Have to do another HCG booster shot tomorrow, & then I go back for labs on Friday. Again, I have to give high praise for my RE. I never got this level of monitoring during IVF #1. It's reassuring that they're doing EVERYTHING possible to help me get & stay pregnant. God bless her & her team.

Feels good letting this all out. The 2ww's a good time to work on my soul & faith, the rest of this madness, be gone!

Ohm.

Damn 2WWet Dream

In my sleep last night I remember all kinds of sex imagery floated round. I remember giving in & pulling back, how the developing sensations were akin to having an orgasm. I remember trying to suppress it in the end but to no avail. I remember feeling relaxed, at ease like I had really done something.

I cannot believe I had a wet dream during my 2ww.  Thought the 'big O' was a no-no. No sex neither (now that'll hardly be a problem at this stage of the game). Funny thing, though, is that I didn't wake up feeling panicked or stressed about it. "Oh no, did I jostle the embies?" I took my post-climax, 3dp3dt self out & ran some errands (damn near skipped out the door), became a part of life now that I'm no longer a shut in. Decided to Sherlock it when I got home.

Got online (of course) & started researching 'orgasm + 2ww' & was amazed at how many women shared this experience! Hormones out of whack, engorged uterus, PIO shots side effect... no one seems to know what can bring it on during the 2ww but for once my Google search yielded results that actually helped to reassure me. I'm afraid to think what's next! IF is like a box of chocolates...

But just for the peace of mind, I hope I don't cum again before I go for my beta! (ha ha)

In other news, my word, it's only been 3 days since transfer. 11 more to go! 264 hours not including today. It's not a sprint, it's a race that's decided a week before you cross the finish line. Been having my moments of doubt & it's been a constant push-pull to maintain the optimism. Now that the embryos should start doing something (like implant) I'm feeling a bit of anxiety wondering if they're chugging along like I'm hoping they are. No way to know, just have to maintain my faith no matter how hard. I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. And if you knew the kind of work I do you'd probably say, "Tsk tsk tsk, now that's f*cked up. Poor baby."

Looking outside, this has got to be one of the most beautiful days we've had in a while.

2dp3dt

It's only been 2 days since the transfer! Feels like longer, especially when I'm limiting activity & only have my mini-encampment with the circumference as 4 inches around my recliner as my home-in-a-home. I thought about getting more active but I'll feel better if I take one more day.  This being IVF #2 makes me more comfortable in some ways & more cautious in others.  I only somewhat rested the day of transfer the last time & was back to my routine thereafter; can't hurt to try things another way per this new RE, it will bring me peace of mind.

I spoke too soon about the ease of the PIO shot on Friday.  My cocky self, that night when I gave my injection all was ok until I withdrew the needle -- it was a bloodbath!  Ugh, blood came out & dripped on the floor, took a while to stop too.  Sorry for the visual but, hell, that messed me up. The spot still hurts too & that was Friday night. And since I can't take the stairs I couldn't take the rugs downstairs to wash.  That damn shot humbled the hell outta me. I took special care last night & the shot was nice & clean.

I was warned not to eat foods that may make me gassy post-transfer because of what my body's been through last week.  Damn shame I only have peanuts & nachos to eat. Did I mention I don't cook? Also drinking room temperature water to keep uterus warm per my acupuncturist. (Cheated once in a while with some deliciously ice cold lemonade.) Physically I feel the same minus the gas. Breasts felt sore after each of the two HCG shots & I haven't felt any side effects of the PIO.

Wonder how my embies are? Fine, I hope! According to this chart they should be developing into blasts. Wish there was a way to tell (this is where faith steps in)...

Speaking of which, damned internet & IVF searches... haven't been able to stay off! It's a menace. And there's just so much ID Discovery I can take -- I think I've watched every 'Sins & Secrets', 'Cold Blood', 'Unusual Suspects' & 'I (Almost) Got Away With It' episode ever made. HGTV's all about yards & room crashing on the weekends, boring. Gonna see what's on TCM, love black & white movies & I'm sure there'll be war movies on all day.

Thank God tomorrow's Memorial Day. No work, can finally get out & about, call family members who are vets & thank them for all they've sacrificed for this country. But I'll knock out another HCG booster shot tomorrow morning before I do.

Only my mom & 3 friends know about this recent IVF cycle. I love them. They've been so supportive about all this. I am thankful to Jesus for another try at IVF. I have a single friend that I'd love to tell about what I'm doing but she's one of those negative, cup-half-empty people (but has a generous heart, that's the only reason we're still friends). She'll be 36 this year & I know she'd never think about going the SMBC/SMC route even though she wants a family. She's one of those types that says that if there's no man in the picture, then maybe a family isn't meant to be. Not trying to judge her but I can't understand pinning my hopes & dreams on a man that may never appear while my biological clock thunders in the background. As a matter of fact that used to be me until I came to my senses.

God willing this is a success, I can hear her now, "You're crazy. Why would you even want to be a single parent on purpose?" Because I can, that's why! Beautiful thing about life. You can make your own happiness.

Longer post than I intended. That's what happens when you have tons of free time.

God bless & thank all of you for sharing your positive vibes & best of lucks! I feed off of good energy, please know it means a lot. And if you could share some with sister SMBC'er at Baby Makes 2 (she also had her transfer on Friday) that would be awesome :-)

Early wishes for a happy Memorial Day!

2WW

The 2WW has begun! Just relaxing, taking it easy while afloat on Valium. Supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible today but as an SMBC I don't have the convenience of having someone to fetch me water or bring me a blanket. So I've made a temporary camp here in this recliner where I have everything I need... lip gloss, phone, computer, water, remote controls, chips.

I was told to take an HCG booster shot today, which I did, & another on Monday.  PIO as usual too for the duration.  Took a Levaquin, 2 more to go.

And my RE helped me figure out exactly where the PIO goes! I knew upper/outer quadrant of the booty cheek but I was still concerned whether I was actually getting it in the muscle.  She said the best way to do it was to go from where the crack is & that upper/outer area is the muscle. When I got home & did the HCG shot that's just where I did it & it sank in effortlessly, no blood upon needle withdrawal or nothing! Now I can inject with much more confidence that I'm getting the meds into the muscle & not a nerve.

I had plans for Memorial Day weekend but I'm going to count myself out. Just wanna chill & not think about whether I'm doing too much.

God, please help me get through these 14 days! Ooh, why can't I find anything on these 900 channels? Wish this Valium had some time release in it!