Saturday, September 10, 2011

Easing on down the road

Unfortunately this cycle didn't work out!  I wasn't very surprised but was still disappointed.  Even though I ate those nasty brazil nuts & tried to visualize myself with my 2 little embryos implanting, I just felt... off.  The three days after transfer were the happiest, but then after that I just didn't feel anything.  Once the doubt settled in it stayed!

The best thing I did, though, (& I went against what I said I was going to do!) was test starting at 7dp3dt.  I thought I could wait but seeing BFNs really did prepare me for yesterday's test result.  So when I got the beta news I handled it much better than otherwise.  I know that some people understandably become stressed & depressed seeing a BFN so early but it did the opposite for me.  I said, wow, damn, maybe it's still early, can't even worry about it.  Stress has taken out many a people & I consciously work to keep mine at a minimum.  Plus with work keeping me busy I was able to take the focus off myself pretty damn well.  Even though the beta news wasn't favorable I am a firm, firm believer in 'there's a reason for everything' & I knew given my age & stats my road would be a wee bit steeper.  A few minutes after I hung up the phone I had to reflect: I am grateful that God has stayed with me this whole time & has allowed me my first, yes first, IVF cycle.

I've decided to change REs, though.  I feel like I got the one-size-fits-all protocol given my circumstances & this particular RE is cold as a fish.  I need to feel like my RE is rooting for me & not just there for my co-pay.  As a matter of fact I made the appointment for the new RE even before I got my beta news!  When you know, you know!  I'll provide an update in a few weeks.  I'm hopeful :-)

(Thank you, SmartOneKym, for checking on me, sorry it took me so long to update!  And thanks to everyone who stopped by and sent their good luck wishes!  This blog was the best decision I've made, it's been such a blessing to connect with people who don't even know me but who send such positive energy & who choose to care for someone they've never met :-)

Monday, September 5, 2011


(All these IF acronyms and codes: 5 days past 3 day transfer) I'm trying to stay off the internet because I'm hoping for the most peaceful, least stressful 2ww as possible. Praise God, 2 embryos were fertilized and were implanted in a 3-day transfer, which was a trip in and of itself. Seeing their picture, a miracle.

I had to have a full bladder for the transfer and arrived to the clinic with it super-full. First off, I was made to wait about 20 minutes before the transfer. There was no way I could hold it and had to pee right before the transfer. I was told not to totally empty my bladder, which I didn't, but it swiftly filled back up again. Still had to wait another 10 minutes -- finally brought back and prepared for transfer. The procedure began and as much as I tried to keep my eyes on the ultrasound monitor the more I looked at my full bladder the more I had to pee. I managed to chill while my embryos were implanted, couldn't stop smiling but that lasted only a moment. Knowing I had to lay there for 20 additional minutes I asked for a bedpan or catheter but was told they don't provide that to patients. WTH?!! That was the dumbest, least considerate move this clinic has made yet. Everyone walked out and I lay there trying to keep it together... but I couldn't hold it in another moment. Yes, I peed all over that table. The nurses were so sweet about it and said I wouldn't be the last to piss up their space. (If they had bedpans or catheters, they would likely have 0 incidents of table pissing.)

But that was it! And that was 5 days ago. I stayed home that day and the next day and went into work twice. I tend not to believe in needing bed rest after transfer but I work in a stressful environment so it was nice to relax and stay in the bliss. I'm trying to stay offline as much as possible because I have been tempted to look up every twinge and sensation and see if that's a symptom of a looming BFP. No symptoms = BFP or BFN, cramping & pulling = BFP or BFN, spotting = BFP or BFN. Only way I'll really know is by the end of this week.

I'm a firm believer in 'don't worry about about anything, pray about everything' so I've been steady praying. And the internet is the worst thing to have access to at a time like this! Thank God for On Demand and DVRs... I'm all caught up on Intervention, Deadly Women, Hoarders, Bait Car, have a month's worth of Judge Judy to plow through.  Signing off!  Best wishes, madame 2ww'ers!