Monday, June 25, 2012

A Promotion

Went back to the RE today & saw another lovely ultrasound! Today they measured 7 weeks; I asked, did they have a growth spurt between last Thursday's ultrasound & today's?, she said she got a much better view today so she had a much better vantage from which to measure. She's pretty on target because based on my egg retrieval/fertilization it'd be exactly 7 weeks tomorrow.  Heartbeats measured at 127 each, too.  Now I only have to go to the RE weekly instead of twice a week. I look so forward to the ultrasounds but am thankful for the progress that this promotion has led to. Just keep thanking God.

Acupuncture today... she wanted to do moxa on my back to help with my overwhelming fatigue (hit me like a hammer in early afternoon) but I had to pass because I need to budget. But I did feel a wee more energetic after just laying there for about 30 minutes. I go back this weekend.

I shouldn't this close to bedtime but I have to take a nap. Eyes closing as I write. Better set my alarm for tonight's PIO shot in the *ss.

But before I say hey to the sandman I must congratulate MN on her BFP today!!!! God is good, such wonderful news :-)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Hearts A Flutter

Corny title but I can't help it! Great day! Saw the heartbeats!!

I was worried yesterday because I was having spasms/twitching mostly in my lower abdomen so was glad that I had to go in for an ultrasound today. The tech checked my tubes to make sure that the third embryo wasn't growing somewhere in my tubes. I had no idea that the embryos would travel like that, thought that with IVF/egg transfers the possibility of ectopic pregnancies was totally eliminated. But the nurse said that it's likely that my interior's moving things around to make room for the babies. Good, because I didn't know what to think!

But I saw both sacs again & they look fantastic! Just gorgeous. One is measuring 5w6d & the other at 6w0d. But it was the fluttering of their hearts that made me emotional. The tech had to point it out to me because the activity was small on the screen & was happening so quickly. I can't remember which had what heartbeat rate but one measured at 115 bpm & the other at 117 bpm. Right within the normal range, thank God! I was smiling sooooooooo hard. I'll be able to hear them in a couple of weeks. Beta was 47,000 (it was 21,293 on Monday) so I'm right on track, praise Him! I go back to the RE on Monday.

These twice-weekly visits are helpful to my peace of mind. All these co-pays are going to put me over the top for 2012 deductions! And I go back for acupuncture on Saturday, counting those receipts too!

Told my mother & could tell how happy & relieved she was to hear how they're doing.  It made me very happy to tell her. It makes me feel awesome that, through God, I'm giving her something to be joyful about.

I hardly have any appetite but still have to eat. Great news is that now that I am not craving sugar I am actually eating better. (Is this what it's like not being a slave to sweets?!) Have added lentils for protein (thanks for the tip, Beans!). Still tired & took a nap this afternoon but have just come down from a burst of energy. House looks a shameful mess so I took a little time to clean up. Am continuing with the PIO shots.

Very proud that I'm drinking lots of water given the fact I never drank enough. And this is ice tea season! Sharp, tingling sensation that alternates breasts a few times a day. Abdomen feels heavier today, & I've been bloated for weeks.

I don't know why I haven't told my friends that I have twins on board. I've only told my mother. I'm already a pretty secretive person & it was plenty to tell 3 of my friends about my BFP. I told the third friend yesterday -- she gave me a ride home from ET weeks ago (I needed a ride & had no choice but to ask her) &  I haven't spoken to her since that day. She was worried so left me a message, & when I called her back I told her. I've been debating whether I'll tell my other 2 friends, but for now I'm comfortable waiting until the second trimester, God willing.

I did tell them that I used a Caucasian donor, though... I'm Black, by the way, & I thought that by tossing in that detail while I was TTC was worth mentioning! They didn't bat an eye & I didn't expect them to. The bank I used had, like, one Black donor & he wanted to remain anonymous so that was definitely not an option. I chose a donor with dark characteristics. Plan was that my offspring would look in the mirror & see more of me & not live life til 18 wondering where their blue-green-hazel eyes came from, for example. The sperm bank also was having a sale specifically on IVF sperm, actually... if anyone told me that I would be in the middle of this kind of conversation I would've said more than, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Rambling now, I'm beat! I didn't sleep at all last night & I attribute that to the long nap I took earlier that day + the anxiety over the spasms & twitches. I'd go to bed but don't want to risk missing my nightly PIO shot time like I almost did a couple nights ago.

Turned off the damn AC (I cannot stand artificial coldness or coldness of any kind but I have pets, can't let them suffer & bake)! It's about 80 with low humidity & a nice lakefront breeze. Windows & front door are open, it's a beautiful night. In Chicago :-)

Monday, June 18, 2012

A Few Observations

Had another ultrasound today & fetal poles were detected! I go back on Thursday, & in about another week or so I'll be able to hear the heartbeats :-)

Still tired & I fluctuate between eating everything in sight to not having much of an appetite. Could likely be the progesterone doing this to me since it's pretty high. And my face looks like a pizza! Zits everywhere & to others I've blamed it on the heat but I know better... PIO strikes again! Oh well, small price to pay so no problem. I'm working super hard to get in more protein too (per RE's nurse & my acupuncturist). I'm a sugar addict & nothing with lots of protein is sweet. Except for yogurt, could never get past the rotten-milk smell so that's out. Been eating almonds like crazy, too.

Speaking of smells, my sense of smell goes bionic at times. It was especially noticeable today when a coworker was eating something with ranch dressing. I personally don't like creamy dressings that have color because my mind believes it has to be nasty... thousand island is crunchy & horrible, ranch smells sour & has too much damn tang. But when I got a whiff of that ranch today I had to cover my nose, it was rank! Matter of fact, lunchtime was hell in the office because there were too many different smells coming from everywhere. Another coworker was heating up some kind of chicken & the smell was overwhelming & gross. I couldn't take it & got the heck out.

Tried to eat Kashi cereal with some almond milk (cut back on cow's milk a while ago) so I could get some protein with fiber. It was like trying to chew sticks & rocks. Going back to Raisin Bran, it's been a while but I can get some additional folic acid + it actually tastes good. Trying so hard to eat better for the fetuses!

Still working on staying hydrated, especially in this heat. And it is hot! I love it!

(God bless Rodney King.)

Thursday, June 14, 2012


Two sacs!  Two sacs were seen today on my ultrasound!  Only one was seen on the first ultrasound this week but given that it was still early there was a possibility that another may appear, & I'm so (cautiously) happy about that. In my heart I hoped that I'd have twins! (I'm also about 5 weeks along.)

Beta #3 was a nice 6,112 & I go back on Monday for another ultrasound & blood draw. My RE says she'd like me to come in twice a week until the twelfth week when (God willing) I'm released to an OB. I'm also doing acupuncture twice a week for the same timeframe. The regularity of those visits will adjust the further I'm along.

Aside from fatigue & a bout of killer gas two days ago I feel mostly the same. My apetite's shifted a bit, though. I don't really have a desire to eat until nighttime. It's not like I'm turned off by anything, I'm just not very hungry in the morning to the afternoon.

Psychologically, I still think I'm in a bit of shock. I don't think everything's fully dawned on me so I'm not feeling too panicked between visits. But now that I know there are two in me my prayer is that they both grow & develop normally, that they both stick around for each other!

I do have to learn to be happy about the possibilities of this pregnancy, to not allow fear to cloud my joy. I should be able to enjoy every minute of this good news. It's still so early yet so my prayer is that as time & their development progress, I'll be able to be comfortable with all these wonderful changes. Trusting God with all of this!

But enough about me! I'm praying for MN who had her FET yesterday! Ooh, I'm praying for a 2WW that just flies by that also results in a happy lil BFP :-)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Progress & Progressing

It's been a surreal past few days! I feel the same but the world looks different, almost like I took the red pill & can see the Matrix. For real, I can't explain it.

My beta on Friday was 742 & today it's 1985, which the nurse said was good. All this doubling business is lost on me. As long as the numbers are moving in the right direction is all I care about. I also saw the sac today... looking at the monitor it was hard to believe I was looking at my own innards with the little bit of life starting there.

When I got my BFP I texted the same pic I posted here on Friday to my mother. Bless her heart, when I called her & told her to look at the picture she truly didn't understand what she was looking at. I used a digital EPT & she looked at it, reading aloud she said with her heavy accent, "Eee pee tee? What is that? I don't know what that is, Eee pee tee?" Now, in her elderly defense I don't even think she knows any brands of HPTs, it was a minor miracle that she was even able to open the text.

I told her to forget about Eee pee tee, just look to the left of the pic, look at the word in the window. "Pregnant? What? Who?" The lady forgot I was getting my results on Friday. Awesome! She's not the most emotional person on the planet but she genuinely was happy, albeit with a bit of cautious warning about keeping quiet for the time being. I'm not telling my father until I make it to the second trimester, God willing. He has no idea about my TTC, let alone as a single woman. He wants his kids to be happy so I know that he will accept it when the time comes, not sure if he'll grasp the concept of donor sperm & artificial insemination. Both my parents are foreign & this whole process is not grasp-able for him. Told two of my dearest friends who know about my SMC goal & they were ecstatic. Got an appointment with my acupuncturist on Saturday & hugged her like crazy. She said I should start coming twice a week & I go back tomorrow (& Thursday).

I feel guilty not telling one of my best friends but, bless her, she can worry the salt off a cracker. I don't mind keeping this a secret, especially since it's so very early. But I'm surprisingly calm, happy. I trust God with all this, there's a peace in that.

There were a couple times during the 2WW that, in retrospect, could have been signs that this cycle worked. On Tuesday, the same day I broke down & took the HPT, I had a quickly passing nausea after sipping on a cup of my decaf. It tasted funny & made my stomach a little queasy. I didn't even finish it & dismissed the feeling as a side effect of the PIO shots. Except that it was on 11dp3dt when HCG begins to be secreted according to my trusty chart. Perhaps? And on that Friday as I was walking to my RE's office to get my beta blood drawn the smell of the city was pungent. This same walk I've taken for ages all of a sudden had a smell that was almost unbearable. Now this city has its funky moments but not on that Friday morning. Maybe a sign?

The only thing that's different about how I feel now is I have zits all over my face. Began towards the end of last week. Just finished a whitehead popping marathon. Zits along with fatigue. Both may still be attributed to the PIO.  I still have to continue the shots & absolutely don't mind at all. Doing the shots in my *ss now may take about 5 minutes with hardly any blood. Shooting anywhere above the crack's a winner! I'm also intentionally trying to drink lots of water... it's hot as hell (finally!) but the nurse also told me to + she said I have to keep up protein.

I'm still not quite sure how they calculate the days, forgot to ask today. 4w3d, maybe? I go back on Thursday & I'll ask then.

(Thanks, friends, for your wonderful congratulations :-)

Friday, June 8, 2012

It Really is a Miracle

Stunned, happy, grateful to God & here is my testimony... I got a BFP today :-)

I got the call this afternoon, used a pregnancy test so I could see for myself:

I go back on Monday for a second beta & an ultrasound!

Ooh, God, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


Finally! Beta Day's tomorrow, thanks be to God I made it!

So many thanks to everyone for all your positivity & kindness through this grueling cycle, you have no idea how much it's meant.

Talk to you tomorrow :-)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

God is Good, All the Time

My faith is strong but my feelings were running the gamut. I, finally, with all the seriousness in my heart, on my drive to work I had to ask God for strength to get me through these last few days. As soon as I did, I felt a peace, a relief.

Even with my faith & optimism, sometimes negativity creeps in & eventually it makes a home in my head. The same negativity where doubt about embarking on this adventure leads me to believe this will never work. And I just like that I forget that I have more power, more courage than I give myself credit for. I force myself to smile until I feel it from the heart because it's the best, cheapest therapy I can find (then I crack up because I imagine I must look crazy, hard to feel bad through real laughter). I ask God for strength to move me through these moments. And I receive it. The loop of self-doubt interrupts for a sec & I can feel God's grace comfort me. And I'm asking for strength all day long because it's a constant crumble-rebuild-crumble-rebuild.

I remember that He's brought me through everything, has led me to TTC on my own, & certainly wouldn't leave me when I need Him most.

I'm incredibly spiritual & thank God for that because church & me don't get along too tough. I feel God's blessings & direction, I have to remind myself that no matter what I'll be ok.

I pray for peace & blessings for family, friends, pets & people I meet & people I don't know. I think that should cover everybody on planet Earth. I'm praying for Evelyn, my 2ww cycle-sister-buddy, whose support & resilience will be such a wonderful example for the children she'll carry & raise. I pray for all IFs, SMBCs & for anyone who has love to share with children borne of us, God willing.

Thank you, God, in advance.

(And please take a moment to pray for Jen, in early pregnancy with twins & who was having contractions as early as yesterday.)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Thank You, False Hope

Warning: This is a cussing-ist *ss post. This was the day for it.

When I awoke this 11dp3dt morning I felt sadness... fear about this cycle overtook me. My tears started around the time when I noticed that my abdomen felt different, felt less active. It could've been the HCG booster that I took on Saturday was beginning to wear off because every time I take that shot my ovaries start to act up soon after. My abdomen actually felt a bit normal & that scared the hell out of me.

So what did I do?

Let me tell you what I did: I reached for my very-last leftover Family Dollar HPT & used that m*therf*cker! Of course it came up positive, could still be the residual booster... but I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care. I needed to see those 2 m*therf*cking lines on that cheap *ss test TO-DAY. Like methadone to a heroin addict, it ain't the real thing but it'll do for now. Needed that hope, didn't matter that it was false, to help me get through the day & to renew my confidence.

I felt so much better after doing it, too. Can't even begin to tell you. I smiled & shook my head at my fool *ss, told myself out loud "it's all right, you're all right, keep it moving, girl" & washed my face. And I kept it moving, too, feeling much, much better. That HPT saved me!

I refuse to put myself down for breaking down & testing. Hell, I'm only human. The 2WW is hard enough without me piling it on. Bless that HPT, it was a perfect pacifier; I'll bid it a fond farewell when I take the trash out tonight.

The 2WW is a masochistic enterprise so if I can take a little control of it, that's what I'll do. Single, check. No man on the horizon, check. Fibroids vet, check. Infertility bullsh*t, check. Multiple IVFer, check. Gained at least 10 lbs. in the last 2 months, check. Second 2WW, check. I'm not complaining, just taking an inventory because even as I type this I feel proud of myself for even putting myself through & growing from this sh*t. Just trying to build a family of my own, that's all... & God helps those who help themselves.

To TTC as an SMBC takes two-ton balls of m*therf*cking steel. It takes brave m*therf*ckers to put themselves through these emotions, these pills, these shots, these appointments, these vaginal probes, these retrievals, these transfers, these two long-*ss m*therf*cking weeks. And I commend us! So, sh*t, false hope is better than no hope at all. And that's true all day long... at least until Friday!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Wish I Could Test

9dp3dt! I wish I could take a pregnancy test.  I go in for my beta on Friday, but it would be such a comfort to know ahead of time. I had to take another HCG booster shot yesterday so even if I wanted to test I couldn't (have had a total of 4 HCG booster shots since ET).

During IVF #1 I tested before going to the doctor's office for the official test. When I got the results I felt terrible but it didn't sting as much because I was somewhat prepared. But this cycle isn't affording me the luxury. That's ok -- I'd rather take a booster shot everyday with the hopes that I'm increasing my chances than not, thank you, Lord.

Been feeling PMS-y these last couple days, no side effects (i.e., 'symptoms') to speak of. Booty's starting to feel sore from the PIO shots too. I went out on Friday night & had to pre-fill a syringe & shoot up in a public washroom before rejoining my peoples.

Just have to hang on for 5 more days! Argh!! Funny thing about time, though, is it drags & goes by quickly at the same time.  ET was 9 days ago even though it seems like it was just yesterday. But now I have to wait 5 more days & that feels like an eternity. Work this week will be slower than last week as well so I'm going to have to keep myself busy. Main concern is that around this time during IVF #1 I started to lose hope, my spirit knew it didn't work. Right now I'm not there, which is a good thing. I want to remain hopeful & keep my faith in this until I find out on Friday. To lose hope earlier than that would truly hurt.

I wish somebody would invent a micro-nano-super powerful ultrasound machine that would be able to see implantation! Turn a 2ww into a 1ww... anybody can hold out for just about anything for a week. Having to wait for 2 is like trying to stay above water while having an anchor tied to your leg.

Thank God the sun is out! If this were a grey-er day, I'd be in the bed & would stay there til Friday!