Warning: This is a cussing-ist *ss post. This was the day for it.
When I awoke this 11dp3dt morning I felt sadness... fear about this cycle overtook me. My tears started around the time when I noticed that my abdomen felt different, felt less active. It could've been the HCG booster that I took on Saturday was beginning to wear off because every time I take that shot my ovaries start to act up soon after. My abdomen actually felt a bit normal & that scared the hell out of me.
So what did I do?
Let me tell you what I did: I reached for my very-last leftover Family Dollar HPT & used that m*therf*cker! Of course it came up positive, could still be the residual booster... but I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care. I needed to see those 2 m*therf*cking lines on that cheap *ss test TO-DAY. Like methadone to a heroin addict, it ain't the real thing but it'll do for now. Needed that hope, didn't matter that it was false, to help me get through the day & to renew my confidence.
I felt so much better after doing it, too. Can't even begin to tell you. I smiled & shook my head at my fool *ss, told myself out loud "it's all right, you're all right, keep it moving, girl" & washed my face. And I kept it moving, too, feeling much, much better. That HPT saved me!
I refuse to put myself down for breaking down & testing. Hell, I'm only human. The 2WW is hard enough without me piling it on. Bless that HPT, it was a perfect pacifier; I'll bid it a fond farewell when I take the trash out tonight.
The 2WW is a masochistic enterprise so if I can take a little control of it, that's what I'll do. Single, check. No man on the horizon, check. Fibroids vet, check. Infertility bullsh*t, check. Multiple IVFer, check. Gained at least 10 lbs. in the last 2 months, check. Second 2WW, check. I'm not complaining, just taking an inventory because even as I type this I feel proud of myself for even putting myself through & growing from this sh*t. Just trying to build a family of my own, that's all... & God helps those who help themselves.
To TTC as an SMBC takes two-ton balls of m*therf*cking steel. It takes brave m*therf*ckers to put themselves through these emotions, these pills, these shots, these appointments, these vaginal probes, these retrievals, these transfers, these two long-*ss m*therf*cking weeks. And I commend us! So, sh*t, false hope is better than no hope at all. And that's true all day long... at least until Friday!
I agree that if the test helped you feel better and get moving and get through the day it was a good thing. Don't feel bad. I'm not even in the 2WW yet and already spiral between hope and fear. We have to do whatever it takes to make it.
ReplyDeleteI love this post and I love the fact that you peed on the stick to see the 2 lines and don't you dare start feeling guilty about it.
ReplyDeleteI really hope it stays positive.
I love the way you put that! You are right, it does take some serious balls to do this on your own... so props are in order just for that... be proud of yourself and your courage to get what you want out of this life. And, you don't know, maybe you ARE pregnant despite your fears! Good luck!
ReplyDeletethanks a lot, you guys, i really appreciate it!
ReplyDelete