This is Madness

Today was incredibly rough. The stress & worry of whether implantation is starting to occur really got to me today starting from the moment I woke up. 5dp3dt would be about the time when some real action would be happening & I can't help but wonder: Are they perfect blastocysts now? Are they making a home in my lining? Do they have big plans to dig a little deeper tomorrow? I am usually such an optimist & can quickly pull myself out of down moments. It's my nature & I'm thankful for that. But today's got me in such a place I'm sitting here with a damn near 1 lb. party size bag of peanut M&Ms & I'm more than halfway through.

9 more days to go until I go in for my beta. And did I mention that it feels like my period's about to start? Yes, yes, I know that for practically every woman there's a feeling that AF's coming... then surprise! BFP! And it can equally go the other way too. The 2ww is truly f*cks with your mind. I feel awful, then I try to convince myself to buck up, keep moving, think about happy possibilities. I then talk myself out of that, don't want to hope too much & set myself up for failure & a helluva fall. I do this dance in my hormonal brain throughout every minute of the day! And I can't even have a drink!!

No more wet dreams either. Wish I would feel comfortable having one, it'd break up some of this 2ww madness & maybe I could lighten up! I could use a vacation... can't go nowhere til beta day! Would love to do some housework therapy, but I'm not supposed to vacuum! Want to garden, can't lift the potting soil bag! But I'm not complaining :-)

Went in for blood work & vaginal ultrasound on Tuesday (was surprised about the ultrasound but they didn't go up too far). Ovaries looking good. Good news, they've been active non-stop since the retrieval. The left one has more rage. Just gave myself another flawless PIO shot & finished the bottle. Start a new bottle tomorrow. Don't know why I can't remember to wipe the top off with alcohol before inserting the needle.

Have to do another HCG booster shot tomorrow, & then I go back for labs on Friday. Again, I have to give high praise for my RE. I never got this level of monitoring during IVF #1. It's reassuring that they're doing EVERYTHING possible to help me get & stay pregnant. God bless her & her team.

Feels good letting this all out. The 2ww's a good time to work on my soul & faith, the rest of this madness, be gone!

Ohm.

Damn 2WWet Dream

In my sleep last night I remember all kinds of sex imagery floated round. I remember giving in & pulling back, how the developing sensations were akin to having an orgasm. I remember trying to suppress it in the end but to no avail. I remember feeling relaxed, at ease like I had really done something.

I cannot believe I had a wet dream during my 2ww.  Thought the 'big O' was a no-no. No sex neither (now that'll hardly be a problem at this stage of the game). Funny thing, though, is that I didn't wake up feeling panicked or stressed about it. "Oh no, did I jostle the embies?" I took my post-climax, 3dp3dt self out & ran some errands (damn near skipped out the door), became a part of life now that I'm no longer a shut in. Decided to Sherlock it when I got home.

Got online (of course) & started researching 'orgasm + 2ww' & was amazed at how many women shared this experience! Hormones out of whack, engorged uterus, PIO shots side effect... no one seems to know what can bring it on during the 2ww but for once my Google search yielded results that actually helped to reassure me. I'm afraid to think what's next! IF is like a box of chocolates...

But just for the peace of mind, I hope I don't cum again before I go for my beta! (ha ha)

In other news, my word, it's only been 3 days since transfer. 11 more to go! 264 hours not including today. It's not a sprint, it's a race that's decided a week before you cross the finish line. Been having my moments of doubt & it's been a constant push-pull to maintain the optimism. Now that the embryos should start doing something (like implant) I'm feeling a bit of anxiety wondering if they're chugging along like I'm hoping they are. No way to know, just have to maintain my faith no matter how hard. I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. And if you knew the kind of work I do you'd probably say, "Tsk tsk tsk, now that's f*cked up. Poor baby."

Looking outside, this has got to be one of the most beautiful days we've had in a while.

2dp3dt

It's only been 2 days since the transfer! Feels like longer, especially when I'm limiting activity & only have my mini-encampment with the circumference as 4 inches around my recliner as my home-in-a-home. I thought about getting more active but I'll feel better if I take one more day.  This being IVF #2 makes me more comfortable in some ways & more cautious in others.  I only somewhat rested the day of transfer the last time & was back to my routine thereafter; can't hurt to try things another way per this new RE, it will bring me peace of mind.

I spoke too soon about the ease of the PIO shot on Friday.  My cocky self, that night when I gave my injection all was ok until I withdrew the needle -- it was a bloodbath!  Ugh, blood came out & dripped on the floor, took a while to stop too.  Sorry for the visual but, hell, that messed me up. The spot still hurts too & that was Friday night. And since I can't take the stairs I couldn't take the rugs downstairs to wash.  That damn shot humbled the hell outta me. I took special care last night & the shot was nice & clean.

I was warned not to eat foods that may make me gassy post-transfer because of what my body's been through last week.  Damn shame I only have peanuts & nachos to eat. Did I mention I don't cook? Also drinking room temperature water to keep uterus warm per my acupuncturist. (Cheated once in a while with some deliciously ice cold lemonade.) Physically I feel the same minus the gas. Breasts felt sore after each of the two HCG shots & I haven't felt any side effects of the PIO.

Wonder how my embies are? Fine, I hope! According to this chart they should be developing into blasts. Wish there was a way to tell (this is where faith steps in)...

Speaking of which, damned internet & IVF searches... haven't been able to stay off! It's a menace. And there's just so much ID Discovery I can take -- I think I've watched every 'Sins & Secrets', 'Cold Blood', 'Unusual Suspects' & 'I (Almost) Got Away With It' episode ever made. HGTV's all about yards & room crashing on the weekends, boring. Gonna see what's on TCM, love black & white movies & I'm sure there'll be war movies on all day.

Thank God tomorrow's Memorial Day. No work, can finally get out & about, call family members who are vets & thank them for all they've sacrificed for this country. But I'll knock out another HCG booster shot tomorrow morning before I do.

Only my mom & 3 friends know about this recent IVF cycle. I love them. They've been so supportive about all this. I am thankful to Jesus for another try at IVF. I have a single friend that I'd love to tell about what I'm doing but she's one of those negative, cup-half-empty people (but has a generous heart, that's the only reason we're still friends). She'll be 36 this year & I know she'd never think about going the SMBC/SMC route even though she wants a family. She's one of those types that says that if there's no man in the picture, then maybe a family isn't meant to be. Not trying to judge her but I can't understand pinning my hopes & dreams on a man that may never appear while my biological clock thunders in the background. As a matter of fact that used to be me until I came to my senses.

God willing this is a success, I can hear her now, "You're crazy. Why would you even want to be a single parent on purpose?" Because I can, that's why! Beautiful thing about life. You can make your own happiness.

Longer post than I intended. That's what happens when you have tons of free time.

God bless & thank all of you for sharing your positive vibes & best of lucks! I feed off of good energy, please know it means a lot. And if you could share some with sister SMBC'er at Baby Makes 2 (she also had her transfer on Friday) that would be awesome :-)

Early wishes for a happy Memorial Day!

2WW

The 2WW has begun! Just relaxing, taking it easy while afloat on Valium. Supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible today but as an SMBC I don't have the convenience of having someone to fetch me water or bring me a blanket. So I've made a temporary camp here in this recliner where I have everything I need... lip gloss, phone, computer, water, remote controls, chips.

I was told to take an HCG booster shot today, which I did, & another on Monday.  PIO as usual too for the duration.  Took a Levaquin, 2 more to go.

And my RE helped me figure out exactly where the PIO goes! I knew upper/outer quadrant of the booty cheek but I was still concerned whether I was actually getting it in the muscle.  She said the best way to do it was to go from where the crack is & that upper/outer area is the muscle. When I got home & did the HCG shot that's just where I did it & it sank in effortlessly, no blood upon needle withdrawal or nothing! Now I can inject with much more confidence that I'm getting the meds into the muscle & not a nerve.

I had plans for Memorial Day weekend but I'm going to count myself out. Just wanna chill & not think about whether I'm doing too much.

God, please help me get through these 14 days! Ooh, why can't I find anything on these 900 channels? Wish this Valium had some time release in it!

I'm All In

Thank goodness I got the call that my embies are still growing so tomorrow's confirmed for transfer! The call came late in the day & I was worried that something was wrong.  I go tomorrow morning & the whole procedure (includes registration, labs & 20 minutes of just sitting there past transfer) should take a little over an hour.  I'm going to be home & off my feet for the next three days per the doctor's orders so I'm glad for the long holiday weekend.

I know different REs have their theory regarding staying off your feet after transfer or to carry on as usual. I don't mind staying home & it'll help with my peace of mind. I'm also still a bit bloated so it'll be nice to relax a bit. I was prescribed a Valium to take when I come home that might help with some of the anxiety of the day! Thank you, doctor, for your progressive transfer protocol!

Went for pre-transfer acupuncture this afternoon. I'm all in, doing it up!

Just took the last of the Prednisone & will take a Levaquin in about an hour.  Also just gave myself another PIO shot, flawless execution -- hardly any blood, needle sank in easily! Slowly pressing on the plunger has helped, no need to rush with oil. I went a little more in the hip (still in the upper outer quadrant) than in my butt since it's harder to find a muscle under all this bootyliciousness.  Even still I'm going to have my doctor take a Sharpie & draw on my behind the exact square footage area where the shot should be given.

Lastly, I feel so much more like my old self now that I'm no longer on these injections (excluding PIO) or Estrace!  I noticed it the most when I awoke this morning.  I don't feel like I'm in a funk anymore, I feel lighter & more me. The weight gain is also more noticeable now that I'm sober from these shots but my cravings have subsided as early as yesterday.

I don't think I'll get online tomorrow either.  Don't want to ruin the effects of the Valium by having a marathon Google-search session about Day X-past transfer... getting it all out of my system tonight :-)

3!

3 embies!  I was so happy to get the call this morning that of the 4 eggs, 3 of them fertilized.   Embryo transfer will be Friday morning.  God bless that fourth little egg.  And, always, thank you, God!  I'm going for pre-transfer acupuncture tomorrow, which I certainly need.

Now that it's one day past retrieval my whole abdomen is bloated & gassy. And the gassiness is still from the anesthesia.  The area's still tender but I'm much better than yesterday.  I also walk a bit gingerly because with every step there's just a bit of discomfort.  Here's hoping that some of the bloat & minor pain will subside tomorrow.

Today is day 2 of PIO injections + along with take the Levaquin (antibiotic) & Presnidone (corticosteroid).  Presidone's for one more day (twice a day pill for 3 days) & Levaquin will have to be taken through a bit of next week.

For the PIO shot a friend told me to ice the site before injecting & then heat the area afterwards.  But I'm not having a problem getting the needle in & all I notice is a bruised area from yesterday's shot.  I've read where women have been slightly traumatized by the PIO shots but for me I'm good.  I'd shoot myself up with PIO every day for 9 months vs. taking even one Endometrin insert for just one day.  I say 'ugh' every time I think about the grossness.  Seems that my whole behind will be bruised up from these injections but I'm not complaining.  This whole process can have no concern with vanity!

Best of luck & many blessings to everyone going through any part of this baby-making process.  Praying for you for Friday, Evelyn!

4!

4 eggs were retrieved today, thank you, God!  Out of 5 follicles, 4 eggs were retrieved & I'll get a (God-willing) good report on fertilization tomorrow.  The egg retrieval process left my ovaries extremely crampy & nauseous from the anesthesia.  My abdominal pain was so intense: the gas from the anesthesia plus a little bit of food given to me by the nurses on top of me moving to get dressed left me puking.  And I immediately felt better!  Those nurses were so nice; I have to get them a thank you card. The pain subsided just a bit after my barf & eight hours later I feel much more like my old self.

Now I start Prednisone, a corticosteroid that suppresses the system's immune system so it won't reject an implanting embryo.  I'm also taking Levaquin, an antibiotic to prevent infection from the egg retrieval process itself.  I'm also to begin Progesterone-in-Oil injections (PIO), 1mL, at night & which I finished shooting up a few minutes ago.  I thought it'd be worse than it was since I have to do it on my own but it went just fine.  Huge 22 gauge needle & I could barely get it through.  That was the same needle size for the HCG, just a little tougher this time around.

My Google fast didn't hold out before the retrieval but I've had no desire to get online & search about success rates, embryo transfer success rates for 3- vs. 5-day transfers... I have no desire to stress myself out tonight or worry needlessly. All I can choose to do is be cool & trust in Him.

I'm happy for my 4 little eggs.  That's one more than the last cycle & for my age with my FSH/AMH scenario & I'm so so grateful for even that many. Speaking it to the universe: My embryos will be implanted on Friday.  In my prayers tonight I'm thanking God for hope, for everything including my RE & will continue to leave it in His hands.

Damn Internet

I had an awesome acupuncture appointment coupled with a massage today.  Asked whether the massage was safe while I'm stimming even though I see a fertility acupuncturist & they also specialize in fertility massages.  Just trying to be on the safe side.  Totally fine, & it was totally great.  Day got busy & I finally made it home.  Now, I originally thought I'd straighten up a bit & then relax for the night.

Fool I am I got right on the internet & started Googling everything having to do with stimming, egg retrieval, uterine lining.  Seeing the dangers, all that can go wrong.  Great morning of relaxation turned into an evening reading about all the worse case scenarios with IVF!

Immediately after posting this I intend to go back on a Google fast.  Ugh.  Gotta stop searching for 'multiple IVF' and anything related to follicle counts & embryo transfers.  Hope that's easier done than said!

Tuesday, Go Day

Tuesday's been set as the day for the retrieval!  I continue with the injections & inject the HCG on Sunday night, which is my last injection.  I then return for labs on Monday.

I'm actually afraid to be hopeful but feel much more comfortable with what to expect since this is IVF #2.  It helps that my RE & her team are reassuring + the fact I was able to drop down on doses makes me feel that my body's cooperating much better (vs. that lupron reaction I had the last time & the whole plan being thrown out of wack).

It's like with every lab there's always a chance that the news isn't going to be great.  I have  a history of fibroids, multiple myomectomies, high FSH, and low AMH so I've had my share of gynecological tribulations.  But when I get a call that my blood work is actually normal, or if I'm told that my lining is better than average (thanks, Viagra!), I'm like... ok, this is new, this is good.  My mood is still very cautious & I almost talk myself out of getting really happy.  Who knows what tomorrow may bring but for right now I have to thank God that I'm on the right side of things.  And maybe I can allow myself to be a teeny little bit happy.

Ganirelix, Old Friend

Tonight I introduced Ganirelix, which I had used in my previous IVF. Except unlike last time this nurse instructed me to do the injections within 24 hours or less of the previous injection.  That the Ganirelix only stays in the system for 24 hours & it's like a gate that starts to swing shut.  It's important to keep that gate wide open, thus Ganirelix must be taken within 24 hours or less of the prior dose.  WHY DIDN'T MY PREVIOUS RE TELL ME THIS?  I will never understand why every doctor can't give the same information to all patients.  All the resources & emotional investment that we put into IVF/IUI/ICI & you would think that there would be a level of consistency & information that can yield the best outcomes. Ugh!

Done with the vent, moving on, getting back on the sunny side of the street... Ganirelix's needle is rather broad but I finally got it in.

My dosages were also decreased on Monday after labs: Follistim down to 300 IU in the a.m., Menopur down to 75 IU in the p.m.  Along with the addition of Ganirelix I'm still continuing with the Viagra.

I love my RE.  Her spirit is that she's rooting for you & will use whatever resources she has to help achieve & keep a pregnancy.  Total opposite from the RE from last fall but you live & learn.  God bless her.

Everything's progressing, I go back to the doctor tomorrow.  I'm just feeling especially tired today so I'm once again making it an early night.

Big, warm hug goes to sister SMC'er Candlelight & Pacifiers... it's always darkest before the dawn :-)

Viagra, the Little White Suppository

Never in my life did I think I'd be taking Viagra.  Alas, never say never!  Tonight's the first night with Viagra (or the generic sildenafil) in the form of a suppository that I have to insert vaginally.  Viagra taken this way in an IVF cycle is supposed to improve the uterine lining to increase the odds of an embryo attaching.  It just came in an unceremonious little white cardboard box & the suppositories weren't even encased in foil.  Practically all white with just a dash of blue.

A total of 10 were prescribed & I was given the ok to start it tonight.  Today's also Day 4 of my period.  Thank God my period's practically nonexistent or else it would have grossed me out to no end to get it up there... middle finger was up to my knuckle because it doesn't come with an applicator.  I was warned not to wear my nice panties while on these as discharge can result as it melts away inside.  Nothing compares to to the nastiness of Endometrin inserts (3 times a day forever, coming out in gushy chunks, treasure box felt gross all day long) so this will be a cakewalk.

Additionally, I began Follistim & Menopur two days ago.  I love the Follistim pen!  Easiest thing in the world to use.  I was shown how to use by a nurse but forgot since that was over a month ago; found this video on Youtube that served as a great refresher.  Menopur's already an old friend since I used it last time.  450 IUs of Follistim in the morning, 150 IUs Menopur at night.

Viagra, large doses, little bit of hope, lotta prayer, all for me... onward!

Finally

I'm finally off Estrace & I feel so much more like myself.  That damn Estrace kept me in a month-long funk, I had the blues every single day.  Being on birth control pills vs. Estrace, though, is far better given my age.  From what my RE explained BCPs can be harsher on the system & may not do ovaries service.  Estrace is more appropriate but I'm still cloudy as to why.  Emotionally, Estrace put me through it!  BCPs just got me fat even though I have put on weight being on Estrace.  I'm also unmotivated to work out because I don't want to lose weight while I'm stimming.  I'm also off taking the progesterone pill so no more fear of allergic reaction.
 
But I finally got my period & start injections this week.  The nurse said it was going to be heavy given the effects of the Estrace for as long as I did.   I'm also increasing my protein intake per her advice but am struggling with cutting back on sugar.  Feel like I'm rambling!  Nice rainy night, perfect for bedtime.

Allergic to Progesterone Pills!

I cannot believe it, seems that I'm allergic to progesterone pills!  First the Lupron, now this... bottom lip started feeling fuller than normal but being that I've been so fatigued (side effect of Estrace; taking 6-2mg pills in the morning & 4-2mg in the evening) I mustered up enough energy to brush it off.  About an hour ago it became obvious that my bottom lip felt big as hell.  I doubt it's the Estrace because I've been taking it for over a month.  Just started the progesterone pill, though, a few days ago.

My vision started getting blurry the next day but I read that that's a natural side effect.  Also felt dizzy but that was also to be expected.  Now this!  Just popped a trusty Benadryl so I should be right as rain.  I'll also call the doctor's office tomorrow & see what they say.  Except I'm concerned that they may suggest that I discontinue.

Funny thing is that the Lupron also blew up my entire face along with bottom lip but at least the latter is all that's swollen... for now.

Internet sleuthing yielded this thread on Fertile Thoughts so I'm feeling reassured for right now.  Looks like I may be able to prophylactically take an antihistimane (like Zyrtec, which I do have & love because it doesn't make me as drowsy as Benadry can) along with progesterone pills or shots to control the allergy... I hope!

I didn't realize I can be so sensitive to these IVF drugs so I hope this is it!