Wednesday, May 30, 2012

This is Madness

Today was incredibly rough. The stress & worry of whether implantation is starting to occur really got to me today starting from the moment I woke up. 5dp3dt would be about the time when some real action would be happening & I can't help but wonder: Are they perfect blastocysts now? Are they making a home in my lining? Do they have big plans to dig a little deeper tomorrow? I am usually such an optimist & can quickly pull myself out of down moments. It's my nature & I'm thankful for that. But today's got me in such a place I'm sitting here with a damn near 1 lb. party size bag of peanut M&Ms & I'm more than halfway through.

9 more days to go until I go in for my beta. And did I mention that it feels like my period's about to start? Yes, yes, I know that for practically every woman there's a feeling that AF's coming... then surprise! BFP! And it can equally go the other way too. The 2ww is truly f*cks with your mind. I feel awful, then I try to convince myself to buck up, keep moving, think about happy possibilities. I then talk myself out of that, don't want to hope too much & set myself up for failure & a helluva fall. I do this dance in my hormonal brain throughout every minute of the day! And I can't even have a drink!!

No more wet dreams either. Wish I would feel comfortable having one, it'd break up some of this 2ww madness & maybe I could lighten up! I could use a vacation... can't go nowhere til beta day! Would love to do some housework therapy, but I'm not supposed to vacuum! Want to garden, can't lift the potting soil bag! But I'm not complaining :-)

Went in for blood work & vaginal ultrasound on Tuesday (was surprised about the ultrasound but they didn't go up too far). Ovaries looking good. Good news, they've been active non-stop since the retrieval. The left one has more rage. Just gave myself another flawless PIO shot & finished the bottle. Start a new bottle tomorrow. Don't know why I can't remember to wipe the top off with alcohol before inserting the needle.

Have to do another HCG booster shot tomorrow, & then I go back for labs on Friday. Again, I have to give high praise for my RE. I never got this level of monitoring during IVF #1. It's reassuring that they're doing EVERYTHING possible to help me get & stay pregnant. God bless her & her team.

Feels good letting this all out. The 2ww's a good time to work on my soul & faith, the rest of this madness, be gone!

Ohm.

6 comments:

  1. This whole thing can drive us crazy- trying to be optimistic and realistic at the same time? Good luck! I hope they are settling in for a long stay.

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  2. Me too, thanks so much :-)

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  3. You're clinic is very proactive. Both of the ones I've gone to stick the embryos in and don't call you back until they have the blood work 2 weeks later.

    I want to tell you to try to think of something else but I know that's not possible.

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  4. (no it isn't! but thank you anyway :-)

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  5. TWW sucks -- hope it passes quickly and you get some wonderful news.

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